Gaia Community: Melissa's Blog

Mercury in Retrograde and Other Musings

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 17:29:08 GMT

The other day after I read a notice online that "Mercury was in Retrograde" yet again I decided to educate myself a little about what the heck that meant. Oh sure, we all know it means things just don't go as planned - the printer jams, the check got lost in the mail, you can't seem to make it to your appointment on time, or who you were suppose to meet with can't make it on time, things get lost that were just in front of you, and so on and so forth.

On the website "Alpha Life Trends" I read:

"Mercury retrograde provides the opportunity to adjust our thoughts, attitudes and decisions about our issues and adjust our new direction as we move through 2009."

That sounded like a new way to view this phenom and very promising so I read more:

"...The best mode to be in during a Mercury retrograde is one of "non-reaction", and with air signs being impacts, things will be changing continually during a Mercury retrograde Treat the time period as a time of gathering information, yet because the information will be in constant change it would be like trying to comb your hair in a wind storm. Best to wait until the changes stop before attempting to make things orderly..."

It really makes perfect sense. So often we think we have to "do" when really we need to shift our own secret personal private feelings on how "to be." Being actually trumps Doing in the broad strokes of our lives.

I have been making some big mental emotionals shifts myself of late, really getting the concept of "letting go" in ways I just haven't before. Not letting go and thinking "oh well, my life just won't be as interesting because 'x,y,z' won't happen after all," but instead starting to get, truly get, that if I let go of an idea, a person, a job, etc. that I thought was going to be the end-all-be-all (which nothing ever is, ever, because we are always in process) with openess, with the feeling of, "okay that wasn't all I'm worth, can do, can receive" the universe brings forth new opportunities in truly astounding ways.

The universe always has more in mind that is beyond what you can even imagine right now - even if you're a very imaginative sort like I am. It's rather comforting.

As far as the "Mercury in Retrograde" thing in a practical sense, both my new business partner and I are really focusing on not over working things, not feeling that we have to take total responsibility for our client's success, or possible new client's success, that we are an integral key, we are crucial, but we can't move faster than they are willing and able, we can't drag them into our world view of the importance of public relations to success today (in really, any realm), we have to lead wisely.

Tags: mercury in retrograde, mental shifts, new thinking

Ego, Aging and Choices

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 04:37:24 GMT

I've been home since Wednesday from two weeks of hanging out and caring for my grandfather and I'm still not quite back into my own groove, and the reality has hit me that I may need to find an entire new groove now, the old one just might not be it anymore and that's okay.

For most of my life I have put "trying" to please others in front of my own goals and dreams. I write "trying" in quotes because while we can do our best to be amiable and thoughtful and caring and loving and such we really can't please others - if someone wants to be pleased or displeased by our actions, no matter our intentions, we have no control over it.

This really hit home to me while caring for my grandfather. Except for a few meals most of the things I tried to do for him fell short of his expectations, and he was quick to point it out. For breakfast I chopped up and gave him too much fresh fruit, he complained if there wasn't fresh pineapple, he let me know he hated sandwiches (which is what he has been given for lunch the majority of his life), he complained if it took me longer than I said to run errands or get home from work - but on the other hand he seemed miffed if I came home early.

I knew going in it was going to be a challenge, but I just didn't realize the extent of the negativity he'd focus on me and how it would effect me. No matter how much I tried not to take it personally it began to drive me crazy. If I stood up for myself and kindly but firmly asked if we "could try and be nicer to each other" and we had words he'd improve his behavior for a few hours, but the next morning he'd be reset back to his old grumpy setting. Things got worse when he fell out of bed in the middle of the night, or had some sort of accident that needed a calm head and well, the clean up crew. It's not easy to help someone who feels you're an idiot.

The strangest was to watch him act charming and happy in front of other people. At the end of my time there I could barely stand to look at him. The consoling fact was that I knew if it had been my brother or sister or cousins they would have been treated poorly as well - anyone he saw as their job to serve him who isn't my mom.

And so it goes. I'm home and grateful. And I'm relishing the fact that I'm learning how to use the word and concept of "no" more readily and quickly and firmly. I am happy that as angry as I got at my grandfather I didn't yell, or scream, and I did a fairly good job of keeping the focus on being nice.

When I came home a friend wanted me to speak to her friend about marketing and p.r. and was miffed when I said I wasn't a good fit and why. I didn't need to explain why, it was okay just to say, "lovely person but not a right work fit for me." She can feel I'm making a mistake and not getting enough information before making a decision and that's her right - but I can feel good in following my gut just the same. I can know what's right for me.

That isn't something I've allowed myself before. If someone asked me for a favor and I didn't want to do it, I'd usually do it, and be angry about it, and then be angry at myself for being angry. If someone wanted me to work with someone I had qualms about I did it anyway - but then I complained.

Here is what I really got during my time with my grandfather - I want to complain less and celebrate more. I have been both a pleaser and a complainer and now I want to let go of both. I want to let go of tit for tat and grudges. I want to notice delightful things more and to grump over less.

Tags:

What would you like to be more clear about?

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 16:54:10 GMT

I'd like to be more clear about the difference between doing something because it's the right thing for me to do vs. wanting gold stars and affirmation from others - on how it feels to do something just for myself because I feel the need to do it.

I'm getting much clearer but the longing to be acknowledged by others for doing something kind, thoughtful, smart etc. runs deep with me. I have always wanted to earn the gold stars.

Another thing I'm facing honestly is that there's a paradox, when I do receive accolades from others I often have a hard time accepting them with grace. I'm getting better, but I recognize that accepting kind words and appreciation in real time, in person, or on the phone, is much harder for me than receiving something in writing.

Tags: QaR, clarity, decisions, life, structure, vision

Where are you going?

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 30 May 2009 15:42:53 GMT

I am on a journey to write a book, my very first book. I have been published in portions of another book, in print and online, but I have never completed and published my own book. And it's one of those things in life I really really want to accomplish, just for me. Oh sure, I'd love it to be a best seller. I'd love to finish the first book and have the publisher like it so much I receive an advance for the second one. That is the dream. So that I could go off to Europe and do deeper research on someplace other than the Internet.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Right now I'm on the journey of daily writing the book. Of daily thinking about the book. Of daily wondering about the book. And it's quite a journey, one that I'm only a quarter of the way or so into.

I have had a big struggle from adolescence onward to really show up for myself, to follow my own bliss, my own creative drum. I so love the collaborative process that instead I would usually jump on someone else's creative process in order to be included, in order to participate, feeling that I could earn my way in to being worthy by hard work and good feedback. This would be my trick with romantic relationships as well. And I'm sure you've already guessed, it didn't work out so well.

Oh yes, I did end up enjoying the creative collaborative process quite a bit, but it wasn't truly mine - so I had to constantly fight for the space to have a say, and frankly, I often pushed those who simply weren't ready to go where I knew they could go. Because I had the vision, because I knew how to get there. And in the end, though much good was done, it always ended badly. Because it wasn't really mine, and I knew that in my gut.

It's not that I haven't had my own creative projects all along, but my dedication to following my own creative drummer waxed and waned. I was not consistent. I kept thinking someone else's project was so much more legit than mine, so much more important, so in need of supporting first. I couldn't follow my own dreams first because I felt I hadn't been given a permission slip from God. That's my phrase for it that I've used for a long time.

But God doesn't send down a white photo copied form that you remember from school, he/she sends the yearning, the longing, the ideas, and when you pick up the pen and begin the journey support comes. Now I have thrown down the gauntlet to myself, the challenge - do your own thing, write your own book. Give it a total go, see what you can do.

And a fascinating thing happened, something that blew a big hole in the wall of my fear and resistance - two friends from my past have shown up and are showing support. One is my best friend from grammar school and she found me via the Internet about a year and a half ago, the other is my best friend from High School who found me via facebook about a month ago. Both have always supported the idea of me as a writer - and both love the genre I'm writing in - young adult fantasy (focused on girls).

Much of the book is plotted out, I'm now working on second drafts of the first six chapters (1 & 2 are done). It's moving, it's going, but it's still a challenging journey. There is a hole in the wall, but now I can see just how far I've got to go and it's daunting - like LOTR at the end, where it feels like Frodo and Sam will never get there. But they do. And now I just have to keep remembering that it will only happen one paragraph at a time, one page at a time, one chapter at a time and not get ahead of myself and full of worry that it won't be enough when I finally reach the end. The doing needs to be enough in itself.

Tags: QaR, life, travel, journey, path, writing, writing a book, friends, faith

Facing My Grizzly

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:49:34 GMT

695855 blog

I would really like to be on vacation this week. I would really like to be sitting in a park contemplating daisies, or staring off into some green space, preferably with some stunning mountains in the background.

I want to be on vacation physically and mentally because emotionally I'm doing my best to take on something big, really big. I'm trying to face a new layer of musty old deeply rooted fear, fear that blocks I don't know what, but I've decided I'm ready to face it, ready to do my best to look behind the curtain and view the wizard.

Two things came about to bring me to this place, this decision, one is that last week I had a dream of seeing a grizzly bear in the backyard of the house I grew up in (in the So. Cal suburbs where no grizzly has ever been). At first I thought it was cool to see a bear in the backyard, but then I realized my Dad was in the backyard, and the bear was attacking him, and there I stood with my (then) baby brother in his playpen and the next thing I knew I was scooping up my brother and opening the sliding glass door for my Dad, hoping I could let in my Dad and not the bear.

I woke as I was slamming the sliding glass door after my Dad had rushed in, and it was a race to see if the door would close fast enough or the bear's claws would reach in. Eeek. Especially for those of us who read the terribly sad Vanity Fair article on the tragic end of the famous "Grizzly Man."

But why such a dream right now, I've been wondering? Obviously the bear represents fear, but of what? Why show up now? And I realize I've been going through some transitions of late, starting up a relationship that is moving slow, and sweet, and not being labeled, but still punching my deserving buttons.

On top of which I'm trying to figure out the right work/play/downtime balance for myself, so that the headaches and fatigue are manageable and kept at a duller roar. They've reared their head of late, reminding who is boss right now if I don't follow their rules. It's a challenge, especially because I am only now beginning to emotionally own the extent to which I'm a workaholic rather than just intellectually realizing it.

The second catalyst for wanting to face my fears on a new level was an amazing blog I came upon on Havi Brooks website "The Fluent Self" which I stumbled upon via Twitter called "The Negotiator, The Monster, and the Scribe." Powerful powerful stuff. I cannot tell you how much it resonated with me, so much so that that afternoon I sat at my computer and instead of working more, I spent a good amount of time flipping through her blogs looking for her to share more of her own challenging journey. Frankly I sat and cried, and cried hard, each time I came upon a blog post that spoke to my heart, and my emotional self that has done its best but still often feels frightened and ashamed and carry far too much of a burden.

So it's time to go deeper into the dark, and air old even older closets.

Tags: Facing Your Fear, Havi Brooks, The Fluent Self, Melissa Balmer

Mirrors and Muscles

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sun, 03 May 2009 21:19:21 GMT

I am moving very slow today after a great week, a busy week, a week where I moved into a new place as far as my public relations work goes, but whenever I reach some new goal I've asked for, and worked hard for, and set my intentions for, I like to take time now to absorb it, chew it over and let it settle. I didn't use to do that and well, I would always pay. Sooner or later a backlash would come because my intellect loves to speed ahead of what my body and my emotions can gracefully handle.

And actually, I didn't listen to my better self this week, and after my very big Friday I set up a very big Saturday and had to cancel two of things I had set up because there just wasn't time or energy for me to handle them with any grace. So I stand corrected and today I'm not leaving the house, and I'm going to eats lots of delicious spicy lemony pasta with fresh greens and tomatoes.

The universe is presenting the most fascinating mirrors right now, mirrors that I am able to see the good and the lightness in. Mirrors that could give themselves a very big break because of their innate wonderfulness and I am doing my best to say to back to the universe, "okay yes, thank you I hear you."

Yesterday I had the joy of spending time with my best friend from High School who is so beautiful and vibrant and smart and engaging. And I spent time last week, and will do so again at the end of this week, with a man who is so like me in how our operating systems function (how our brains spin so fast and our body's are so sensitive) that it makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

In both cases I'm doing my best to be open to the happiness possible. To reawaken, or flex anew the muscles that will allow that to come about, to unfold easily in perfect time. I'm so curious, how can we help each other see the possibility of fun and joy? How can we help each other to be totally okay with who we are? I feel it will happen...

Tags:

Dreamwork & Emotional Healing

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 15:59:53 GMT

I am one of those people who has always had a vivid dream life. No, not a vivid daydreaming life, I'm not really good at daydreams, most likely because my dreams at night take up all that kind of energy. They are vivid, colorful and dramatic. Sometimes I have dreams within dreams. Some are realistic and some sound completely crazy once I try to describe them to someone else. For years I secretly enjoyed my dreams but felt as if I was a bit of a freak for having so many...until I accepted that a) that's just the kind of creative intuitive sort I am and b) my dreams are my own personal emotional language telling me what's really going on with my psyche. Of course others had been telling me this for years, but you know how the intellect and the emotions run on two different tracks, so there you have it.

I also have several kinds of recurring dreams that remind me of issues that are challenging for me. When I change my behavior in one of these reoccurring dreams I know I've made real progress in my waking emotional life.

One of the things I'm learning to do right now is speak up for myself in a constructive way. I've never been a total doormat, but I've lived much of my life trying to be a people pleaser, thinking that if I just worked hard enough on behalf of others I'd get an invitation to the right party, I'd be loved, accepted etc. But of course we all already have our very own special invitation to the party, it's up to us to decide what kind of party we want to attend. Love and acceptance shows up in amazing ways when we learn to love and accept ourselves, as fluffy bunny as that sounds it's not at all easy, but it's true.

For years I dreaded dreaming of my High School boyfriend. They always signaled a sort of stress occurring in my life, something I wanted to run away from. He was pursuing me, wanting to get back together and I was frightened. No, he never abused me, but he cheated on my constantly and I would keep getting back together with him. At the time I had no idea that I was acting out my own parents rather torrid relationship. We were literally behaving as they behaved (and perhaps as his own parents were behaving, I'm not sure).

When I finally realized he didn't really represent himself so much in my dreams as an aspect of myself that I was dreaded I was able to look at what the dreams were telling me. He represented my fear of not being able to stand my own ground and speak up for myself. Over the last week I've dreamt of him again twice after years of not, and both times I told him, "no, no thank you, I'm not interested."

What is really interesting in last night's dream is that he didn't want to listen - not only that I didn't want to get back together but to why. It was a non-issue for him. My reasons didn't matter. And I realized this was a good warning to me to be really clear when I'm in situations with people where my happiness, my needs, my intentions (whether in a work, friendship, or romance) just can't be taken into account, where they just can't hear me because they are so full up with their own situations.

It was a good reminder that I can't always play ball with who I might want to, because I just don't matter in the way I need to.

And it was a good reminder to me that I can be this person at times too. I can listen but not hear. I can listen half heartedly and project what I think the person is saying rather than what they really are. I can run my own conversation in my head when I'm listening to them instead of listening to them full present. Sometimes we do this because we're bored, and sometimes we do this because we're afraid we won't have a clever enough response at the right moment. Whatever the case we're not really here.

All in all I was very heartened by this dream. I have had a terrific week, but the sort that makes my head hurt from getting wound up, so I'm doing my best to slow down this weekend and just be here now.

Tags: Dreamwork, emotional healing, vivid dreams, being here now

Feelings as Waves

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 01:17:40 GMT

1406502 blog

I had absolutely nothing to complain about yesterday (except some tiny grumbling about the heat), I slept well, and yet from the moment I woke up this morning I knew I was just sort of well, off. I was filled with a sort of physical and emotional dread that overcomes me at times, a sensation close to that of when you're coming down with the flu, but not quite so physical.

At first I sat down at the computer and tried to get rid of the feeling by rushing into work, by distracting myself (know that one?), and then I stopped and decided I would move more slowly, and mindfully if I could and try and be curious. As soon as I did that I remembered that I had had to take more pain medication yesterday because of an early meeting, and the heat, and that I was on deadline for an article that I was working on with a client that I wanted to be really good because it's our first sort of this type of adventure together which was making me a bit nervous.

So I decided to be a little more kind with myself, and even more kind to my body. I ate. I stretched. I slowed down and worked on easier projects first.

At times during the day the feeling would really rear its head, to the point that I had to get up and walk around. One time it felt so strong I checked my bank account to see if I'd made some kind of horrible adding error. Nope. Then I found the beautiful photo above at my favorite stock photo site (while doing research for another client) and just posting it on my website in honor of earth day made me feel better. Staring at it made me feel more calm and serene.

My client and I went back and forth on the article. We found a groove we both liked and were able to finish the piece. My brother really liked his birthday gift today of a little website I put together for his band, and I was able to chat briefly with a dear friend about the novel I'm working on. The feeling of dread hasn't totally left me, but I know it'll pass. Whenever I remember that feelings are waves instead of constant states I'm able to ride the rough ones out with a bit more serenity (a bit), and to just bask a bit longer in the happy ones, remembering that this too shall pass.

Tags: Feelings as waves, serenity, melissa balmer

Do Words Create Feelings, or Feelings Words?

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 02:28:40 GMT

That was a thought that struck me today as I got off the bus and walked across the street to borrow my brother's car for an appointment early this morning. I was pondering a section of the YA fantasy novel I'm writing, and thinking about the power of names, and how in fantasy literature (and certain religions) names have such power. Know the full name of a fairy knight and voila he's yours for the commanding (aka Tithe by Holly Black). Travel to the ends of the known world to learn the name of God and you can free your dearest friend from eternal servitude (aka Kushiel's Avatar by Jacqueline Carey) from a vengeful angel.

Perhaps it's a bit of both. Certainly the more I focus on the idea happiness, the thought of s, and what really makes me happy (versus what I've thought in the past would make me happy) the happier I am. The study and noticing of happiness when it occurs, the recognition of it, the honoring of it, brings more.

And sometimes it's just a song that brings a surprise of happiness, remind us of a perfect day at the beach, or the best childhood Christmas.

Oddly enough on my Pandora.com right now is playing a song that always makes me happy when I hear it - Mathew Sweet's "I've Been Waiting" from the "Girlfriend" album with the gorgeous Tuesday Weld on the cover (I had to look that up, I've wondered about it for years). It brings back the sweet romantic hopefulness of a certain time in my life.

Sadly the song is from was a time when I didn't realize how much I had going for me, or how young I was (I never thought I was young when I actual was young) but still it makes me happy to hear because romance is eternal, it's not just for the young, and I get now how important it is to be in the now, and accept whatever happy romantic-ness the universe wants to hand me, even if it's just a few minutes of a song.

Tags:

Feeling Good & Enjoying My Dreams

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:34:42 GMT

This has been a tough week for those of us in So Cal who get migraines when the barometic pressure goes up and down and the wind whips up, but here we are on Friday and its breezy and cool (at least here at the Beach) and I'm so grateful that in another hour or so I'll be heading north away from my city's hosting of the very loud Grand Prix.

It feels like the perfect vacation day. I just want to sit and absorb it rather than try and organize a few more things (so see how I'm avoiding both by sitting down to write a blog, I feel less guilty than if I just sat and did nothing, but am still avoiding more organizing). I'm heading off to a weekend with my family and certainly less computer time which is a good thing. I'm really enjoying being on twitter, but I can see how easy it is to become addicted and feel like you constantly need to know what fascinating people all over the world are up to.

It was a week of even more vivid and vibrant dreams than usual, and one in particular that I'm pretty happy with - it points to progress that still needs to be made, but that nonetheless much progress has been made, and I don't want to discount this. I feel like I'm really coming into my own emotionally. It's a baby step process, and I'll never quite arrive because my true self will continue to grow and expand, but still it's such a great feeling when you most past a particular sticking point. Such a lovely, "ahhhh" feeling.

I hope everyone is going to enjoy their weekend.

Tags:

When a Funk Rears its Head

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 03:16:19 GMT

Yesterday and today were funk days, just gloomy and blue and weird (though I'm feeling better now). I've been riding high of late, feeling really good, but getting a bit over excited and wound up about a new client, and a possible new client, and then I needed to let go of a bit of a projection I'd let myself get into on a personal level.

Oh it's just so easy to do when you like someone so very much, when they spark your mind and your curiosiety even when you don't know what the heck it could be.

I'm sure I was well overdue for a bit of down time. Of course it never feels good when a funk comes along (especially when you're not sure if you might be coming down with the flu), but I'm learning to ride them out with more grace these days, and I'm learning that allowing the feelings, the anger, the sadness, the whatever uncomfortable that feels like bubbling up reminds me that I'm fully human and fully here. Also, in a strange way the darkness reminds me that I'm capable of reaching for and allowing more light.

And I'm not really one of those people who wants to rush from one high to the next, whether it's physical or emotional. I love being happy, I do, but I'm only half an extrovert so I need plenty of down time to ponder, and mull, and contemplate. The dark is no fun when I'm sitting in it, but I'm learning that if I just hang with it with open mindedness, and realize I'm certainly not the only one who feels this way, it seems to pass much more quickly.

Tags: the blues, funk, gloomy, down time

Tired, but in the right place

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 03:27:17 GMT

A friend commented to me recently, "you seem so busy." He was referring to all of the blogs I write (I think I'm at six), and how often I update my status on facebook, and the events I'm involved with, and the new client I'm working on, and I had to laugh because as a teacher and father of two small girls I certainly feel he's busier than I am. My time is often spoken for, but not tightly regimented.

And I realize I really like it this way. I've found a schedule that seems to really be working for me, and my creativity. Sure I can get cabin fever at times, sure I can check my email box a few too many times when I'm not feeling inspired, but for the most part it feels really good. And that's what's important to me more and more - how my life feels.

I'm one of those people who can be extremely extroverted, flirty, open, gregarious and engaging but it'll wear me out. I need my alone time, my reflecting time, my own space to create and put words on the page.

I realize now that even though I also worked at home when I was in business with my ex-husband, and I enjoyed it, I still hadn't found the right groove for me. I am a died in the wool workaholic and I pushed myself past physical and mental exhaustion.

I think I'm finally getting better at pacing myself, and I'm finally starting to really own how much energy goes into being an idea person, a creative type. In the past I've always thought of it as a wonderful blessing, but just an added bonus - not something that was in itself a special gift to be treated with respect and nurtured. Actually, I feel silly admitting this but nurture was one of those words that used to make my skin crawl, probably because it's something I just didn't allow for myself much at all.

Tags:

Updating My Love List

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 22:12:52 GMT

I'm in the middle of reorganizing and cleaning up my studio, moving around furniture, dusting, and sorting through a myriad of piles of stuff that until recently I just didn't have the energy to deal with. So right now, of course, though I can see the floor more than before, it's an even bigger mess than previously.

But it's all good, I'm ready for something new. I'm open to physically experiencing more again, after living mostly in my head, and I've hit a place of flow (after spending six months feeling mentally good but physically lousy - amazing what a difference good sleep can make!) that is fascinating.

And of course I'm pondering love, and now not only love for friends and family (which has been so precious for me of late), but also romantic love too, or at least right now romantic "like" or "curiosity," that delicious, "gosh, maybe?" that rears its head so suddenly and surprises you while you were paying attention to something else.

Which has me contemplating my love list. I've tried to be formal about it. I've tried Martha Beck's recommendation of writing out 100 things (she's Oprah's life coach writer for "O" and one of my favorites), but it's something I have to do in fits and starts and things occur to me. Trust me, it's not easy to do if you step back from the physical surface attributes of an ideal someone who might thrill you (though of course I'm still pretty darn sure gazing at Jude Law can't be hard to do), and instead focus on how you'd like to feel in the presence of that special someone - whether you're in the middle of grocery shopping or in the middle of making love.

But I'm pondering it afresh this weekend, mulling it over and savoring it the possibilities.

Tags: Love List, Martha Beck

Right in the Middle

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 04:13:59 GMT

I turned 45 last week and it was one of the happiest weeks I can remember. I'm not saying this to brag, to say that I've got the age thing conquered. I have good days and bad days with it, and when I have my bad days I do my best to laugh at myself and remember that I'm pretty much the same girl I was when I was five and heading off to kindergarten, and that my grandfather who is now 87 and struggling with great pain and congestive heart failure (he's in hospice care with my parents) is as well.

No, the joy wasn't so much for the birthday (though it was fun), but just because. I have all of the same money worries I had last year (don't most of us?), the same possible challenge with headaches, but I'm also in a place of flow with work, realizing a new client is going to be really fun to work with, and inching forward slowly with my own writing.

Tags:

Making Space for the Holidays

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 00:17:34 GMT

Today is the first day in eons that I've felt like tending to my own belongings and it's just so lovely to simply clean my make up brushes. A small thing, a tiny thing, but huge in meaning for me. Isn't it fascinating how it can be so?

I used to be one of those people who could clean an entire apartment in three hours, down to bleaching the tile grout with a toothbrush. But when I became quite ill nine years ago the ability to be neat and tidy about my surroundings, or at least to whip them into shape quickly, seemed to just float away - and when I would clean and reorganize I could only do a fraction of what I could before in the same amount of time, and I was left feeling not that nice satisfaction of a job well done, but this strange uneasiness, and uncomfortable restlessness - similar, frankly, to my experience with taking vicodin (which I avoid like the plague now).

Happily my health has greatly improved, but I'm still challenged frequently by lack of energy and my inability to clean my apartment has stuck. I'm sure there's a very feng shui reason for all of this, I'm sure I've got my chi going in all the wrong directions. You would never know to look at my apartment that I am a very mentally organized person who meets deadlines.

But I am. And of course what I do when I look at my apartment and it's not to my liking, is make fierce judgements about myself. It's particularly difficult at this time of year when one has memories of holidays past that look ever so perfect in hindsight (even though at the time they might not have felt that way).

So of late I've been doing my best to have a new perspective, to look at my stacks of magazines to be recycled, and clothes to be laundered, and items to be donated, and paper work to be organized and filed, and dusty kitchen tile with fresh eyes, and to view my fierce judgements with curiosity aove everything else.

And the answer that often comes back is that I'm worth more than a messy apartment. I am living my life more to my liking, more from the center of my heart than I have ever before, doing things I only longed to do for so many years (like writing, or creating a non profit event), there is much to be proud of, even in the middle of a dusty mess. This mess isn't the sum of me.

As a society we've been so obsessed with outward appearances for so long now that it pushed us (from the inside and out, let's be fair) to spend beyond our means to keep up with the ever more glamorous "Joneses" - both real and fictionally. We have felt if we couldn't be neat and clean and shiny and new (and our homes the same) than we weren't worth inviting to the party, indeed, we weren't worth having a party.

The fascinating thing about our downturn in the economy is that we are finally facing that life has been challenging for many people for a long time, and perhaps it's time that we all got quite a bit more real about what truly matters.

The holidays are for everyone, no matter what state their apartment (or lack thereof) is in.

Tags: holidays, judgement

Eclipse Week

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 06:47:53 GMT

It's amazing what just the slightest clarification or alteration in your "intentions" can reap. About a week and a half ago I decided I wanted a tag line for my signature for the work I do in public relations and marketing, but I wanted something that would be sincerely inline with my beliefs and the life I'm creating for myself now - without sounding hoaky to the point that friends and strangers would want to run screaming with their fingers in their ears. After chewing it over for a few days I came up with "Creative Conscious Connecting" which I feel really hits what I'm about. I felt something "click" in both my heart and my head when I wrote it out, and then made my signature in a favorite color of green. I feel a little thrill when I send out my emails now to new people, and right after I started using it I felt not only clearer on what I wanted to make happen in my world, but more interesting and fascinating connections started to come together right away. I don't want to sound pie in the sky, as if I waved a magic wand and voila something happened without my making much effort at all. I've been working diligently at becoming very well connected in my local community for almost three years now, but I didn't always have the right attitude or focus about it. Initially I was far too focused on feeling important as the editor of our local magazine, but I got over that very quickly, and then when I left I didn't have that title to stand on anymore. And what I found out eventually is that it didn't matter - I mattered, because my aim was true, my goal had a higher purpose. As soon as I made it my mission to champion good news and amazing people in Long Beach California the connections began to flow and come easily. And now as I continue to really get clear on who I am and what purpose I serve the connections come together at times in startling hair standing up on the back of my neck ways. It's so exciting.

Tags: Intentions, Long Beach

Block & Flow

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 01:48:45 GMT

What a strange strange energy week! I've been up and down and backwards and forwards and then blocked with no words or ideas that came out with any sort of grace or interest of thought for two days, and then suddenly released with three perfect words all with "s" popping into my head while I chewed on my breakfast at a local restaurant this morning completely minding my own business and enjoying perfectly done eggs over easy on buttered toast.

Inspiration does indeed work in strange ways. I bow down before it.

But boy it put me through the ringer this week!

One of the hardest things about being a creative writer and marketing and p.r. person is that it's a lot of responsibility . That whole identity of being a "rainmaker," the idea person who brings creativity to the table to focus and hone a client's products and company into an understandable and engaging vision, someone who puts it all together with a flourish and snap so that customers say happily, "oh I get it" and hopefully, "let's go there!" and "let's go there again!" On some days, this is a job that feels very heavy indeed.

On Monday I was up early, out to the local news-rack to pick up the paper to see if what I'd been advised was true - and it was, my client was on the front page of our local daily paper's business section, with a lovely mention at the top of the front page. Walking back to my apartment I cried. No, it's not The L.A. Times (which I'm focusing on next), but it was big and bold and in video as well as print and I made it happen. I cried with happiness and relief that it actually came through, and then in my total strange humanity I cried with a sense of grief and anticlimax.

I am, you see, a recovering "waiting for the party but forever disappointed with its arrival" type of girl. The sort of person who's always looking forward to some sort of event, in the throws of the creating of it, and then when it arrives, I have thought so many times, "oh that's it?" and "That's all!"

I'm getting better, I am, I focus so much more on the process now than any set moment or date because now I realize there really is nothing more than the process anyway, we never actually arrive anywhere.

But none the less, certain activities take more out of us than others, and making sure this particular process with this particular piece of media came about sort of took it out of me. By Thursday I had to face the fact that I couldn't string two interesting thoughts together, figure out how to organize new website pages, or interact with new media in an engaging manner. I was just worn out. I had no good ideas.

So I gave in and went to the book store where I proceeded to find not the Garth Nix book with the last short story on the Abhorsen trilogy I was looking for but "City of Bones" by Cassandra Clare, with a sequel waiting if I enjoyed the first.

I have found that when I'm tired and out of sorts nothing refreshes me more than a rousing tale of well written young adult science fiction fantasy. Apparently my angst and the teen's angst mesh well. Oh, and they're cheaper than adult fiction books both in paperback and hardcover. Sweet. A couple of months ago I discovered Holly Black and now all I have to do is discover some other new writers (okay many many) while I wait patiently for these two ladies (friends too) to complete their sequels.

Two days of minimal work and tons of reading later I awoke happy and refreshed, ran my errands and in the middle of breakfast the way to approach an upcoming business mixer and a new article popped into my head. I breathed such a sigh of relief and reminded myself yet again that it isn't my job to be a rainmaker 24/7. My job is instead to be open to the inspiration as it comes. My job is to be here now.

Tags: Inspiration, Garth Nix, Cassandra Clare, Holly Black

Declaring Your Independence

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 17:16:32 GMT

“Independence - is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes” - Mark Twain

I remember I was in 8th grade, or maybe even High School, before the message actually sunk in that the 4th of July (in the United States anyway) wasn't the day the colonies won their independence from England, but rather the day they declared it.

I've been thinking a lot about that over the past few days, how we have to have the intention first that we want independence from something that's holding us down (financial worry, heartache, etc.), then we need to declare our intention (though perhaps only to ourselves), and then finally we can gain that independence if we have enough determination and focus and in many cases, sheer grit.

But we face a lot of monsters on such a journey, and the monsters within us can be just as powerful, or more powerful, than the ones we face on the outside world. I know this has certainly been the case for myself. I spent much of my life assuming I just didn't have the energy to go for my heart's desire in any sort of passionate way, that first I had to focus on what my parent's and the media and the world was telling me was important (having status in the business world, looking great, and things of that ilk).

And so I did. At 21 I became a very diligent workaholic in an uncreative industry I really disliked but I moved forward with as it allowed me to speak Italian every day (which I had gone to school for) and because my mom's boss got me the interview. I got the job, and desperate to have my parents proud of me, and desperate to feel legit (as I'm sure many young people feel, heck many of us feel) I hung in there and wracked up the years.

Choosing a different path, a more independent, creative one for me has been a long process. The first step I made was to keep writing. I have kept a journal very diligently for over 25 years. The second step I made was to marry a creative man because I simply didn't think I deserved, or could afford, just to be a creative person on my own. What I know now, which I didn't know then, is that if you earn your way into a relationship you'll never stop paying. Romantic relationships aren't earned, they just are, but at the time it was the only way I knew how to be, and his talent and my ideas seemed like a huge lifeboat of possibilities. And for many years they were.

It's easy to regret a marriage that went wrong, especially one that in hindsight you can see the cracks in the foundation of from the very beginning, but I've decided not to regret my marriage because we did the best we knew how to do at the time, and we created a company and pieces of art that I'm very proud of. Yes, I truly do wish I could have relaxed more then, and owned with some grace what we were making happen rather than being frantic and still wanting desperately to feel important and right in my choices. I couldn't see any shades of gray back then. There was constant tension between my ex-husband and myself over the fact that I was the one who recognized his talent and came up with the idea for his company (though while married it was supposedly "our" company, but that was a bone of contention as well) and supported and cajoled and challenged him to live up to what I knew in my gut he could do.

Now I'm learning to support and cajole and challenge myself to live up to the talent I feel I hold within. It's not easy to do, it's scary, it feels arrogant at times on a whole different level, but still the siren calls from within...do your own thing, declare your independence.

Tags: Declaration of Independence, declaring independence, freedome, creativity, Melissa Balmer

Touching Now Touching Magic

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:34:04 GMT

It's an ever unfolding process, this idea of looking at yourself and your life and your world with a "Beginner's Mind" but I've been attempting to do this with greater purpose over the last week or so and it's opened up new zones of optimism and spaciousness for me that have really been delightful to feel.

And that's where I'm hanging out as much as possible, with my feelings.

There are patterns in my life that repeat again and again and one in particular, one in regards to whom I work with and how money flows to me, is one that baffles me. No, let me clarify that - whom I work for and how money flows to me. I am very blessed, for a huge percentage of the time in who I work with. I have made so many friends this way, and feel particularly blessed in that regard right now.

Like many on a spiritual path who have encountered metaphysical thought I accepted a long time ago that my thoughts had power, that they gave me far greater choice, that they colored my world - but I also allowed this knowledge to make me feel tremendously guilty for everything challenging that crossed my path, every hardship, and every person I encountered who was less than honest and dealt with me poorly. It is easy to say to oneself that this is your own belief system mirroring itself back to you, and there is certainly truth in that, but what I'm starting to own is that middle path, that balance, and that more than one thing true at any given time.

This end idea opened up more fully for me during a conversation with my brother who is also very devoutly spiritual but following a very different path, let's say a more traditional Christian path. When I admitted recently to him that I was wondering why I kept repeating this same pattern financial challenge with those I worked for (partnered with a spirit of less than candidness about what is really happening) and that I believed it harked back to how things were when growing up he said very simply, with no judgment "well that's certainly one way to look at the world" (or something to that effect).

And then he went on to remind me that lack of candor and truthfulness and financial deception are pretty universal of the times in his past and the times in his present when he has encountered them - how shades of this way of being are always playing out. Oddly I left this conversation with greater optimism because I left it with the thought "it's not just me." Of course on the outside this is very clear to everyone else, of course we all deal with untruth, and many many of us deal with financial challenges, promises made and broken etc. But this opened up space for me because I'd been viewing it all from a place of it being my problem to solve.

What came to me later yesterday is that I want to celebrate more the things that have gone well for me rather than focusing on the idea that I have this pattern I can't seem to quite break out of. Because the truth is that while it continues to play out, things have improved. I am idealistic and perfectionistic and my guilt makes me want to constantly try to fix things even as grapple with the idea that I can't fix anyone else - I still try, I still try and spin my work so that I inspire others to change their patterns, to see a new path and this just isn't my job, most especially not with employers. The only thing I can really do is own my own truth and be open to what it unfolds for me.

So while certain thins i'm dealing with right now are a bit roller coaster-ish, I have to admit I've been on a scarier roller coaster up to this point and have survived the ride pretty nicely thank you.

Tags: guilt, feelings, Beginner's Mind

No Time to Lose

http://constantstudent.gaia.com — Sun, 18 May 2008 22:08:50 GMT

Yesterday I picked up Pema Chodron's "No Time to Lose," her commentary and guide to "The Way of the Boddhisattva" which I've been looking forward to reading for some time now but wasn't quite ready for. Now I feel I am.

This last week PBS in my area showed the complete "American Presidents" episodes covering the life of Franklin Delano Roosevelt - the man who got the United States out of The Great Depression and led us into World War II because he felt he could not let England and Europe fall to Hitler. There are those who truly hate FDR, who would like to completely undo everything he set up in our government. I'm not one of them, and I would ask anyone who hates the man to look The Great Depression in the face and tell me if it would have been okay to let millions of Americans starve to death.

The fascinating thing is that many of those who hate FDR ended up benefiting greatly from the industrial war complex that World War II set into motion. Until that time we were really more a country of isolationists. But I don't want to go off on that tangeant, I want to focus on the power of hope and kindness. FDR was a man born into great privilege and wealth - but he was raised by grownups and homeschooled. He didn't know how to deal well with his peers. He found Prep school very challenging. He didn't get into the social organization he wanted to in college.

But gradually he learned great charm and the art of small talk and became the favorite of society ladies. The universe, however, had something else in mind for him - and he fell madly in love with his very serious and gifted distant cousin Elenor. And then he decided to go into politics. As Govenor of the state of New York he shocked high society by implementing social reforms to benefit the needy when the Great Depression hit. While on an outing with the boyscouts FDR would contract what they thought was simply the flu but ended up being polio - he would lose the ability to walk in his early 30's.

It was by dealing with polio (though some say now it might have been another disease) FDR found the true depth of his character, his humility and his great humanity. He revamped a crumbling resort in a small town in Georgia called "Warm Springs" where he would soak up the healing waters of the local hot spring, and eventually build a school to teach children with polio how to better deal with their lives. He wanted to find a cure - he didn't, but along the way he invented many items that still make life easier for those dealing with being crippled today.

During his time in Georgia (where his active mind and curiosity led him to create a completely hand driven car so he could get about the countryside) FDR got to know the common man well. He would simply drive up to people with that terrific grin and introduce himself. Later he would use that knowledge to run for president of the United States as champion of that common man - and win not two times, but four. No one had done it then, and now there is a law that no one can do it since.

FDR wasn't perfect, no one is. One has to have a terrific ego to run for government and then withstand and succeed at it. But FDR believed in the common man, and he believed in hope. He believed the government could truly help people (nudged and guided often by his wife's passions) and had a responsibilty to make a difference.

We are at a similar crossroads again. I pray enough of us want to chose hope to more of the same old same old wealthy getting their way under the supposed idealology that everyone should be left to fend for themselves.

Tags: Pema Chodron, No Time to Lose, Hope, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Melissa Balmer