Ego, Aging and Choices

I've been home since Wednesday from two weeks of hanging out and caring for my grandfather and I'm still not quite back into my own groove, and the reality has hit me that I may need to find an entire new groove now, the old one just might not be it anymore and that's okay.

For most of my life I have put "trying" to please others in front of my own goals and dreams. I write "trying" in quotes because while we can do our best to be amiable and thoughtful and caring and loving and such we really can't please others - if someone wants to be pleased or displeased by our actions, no matter our intentions, we have no control over it.

This really hit home to me while caring for my grandfather. Except for a few meals most of the things I tried to do for him fell short of his expectations, and he was quick to point it out. For breakfast I chopped up and gave him too much fresh fruit, he complained if there wasn't fresh pineapple, he let me know he hated sandwiches (which is what he has been given for lunch the majority of his life), he complained if it took me longer than I said to run errands or get home from work - but on the other hand he seemed miffed if I came home early.

I knew going in it was going to be a challenge, but I just didn't realize the extent of the negativity he'd focus on me and how it would effect me. No matter how much I tried not to take it personally it began to drive me crazy. If I stood up for myself and kindly but firmly asked if we "could try and be nicer to each other" and we had words he'd improve his behavior for a few hours, but the next morning he'd be reset back to his old grumpy setting. Things got worse when he fell out of bed in the middle of the night, or had some sort of accident that needed a calm head and well, the clean up crew. It's not easy to help someone who feels you're an idiot.

The strangest was to watch him act charming and happy in front of other people. At the end of my time there I could barely stand to look at him. The consoling fact was that I knew if it had been my brother or sister or cousins they would have been treated poorly as well - anyone he saw as their job to serve him who isn't my mom.

And so it goes. I'm home and grateful. And I'm relishing the fact that I'm learning how to use the word and concept of "no" more readily and quickly and firmly. I am happy that as angry as I got at my grandfather I didn't yell, or scream, and I did a fairly good job of keeping the focus on being nice.

When I came home a friend wanted me to speak to her friend about marketing and p.r. and was miffed when I said I wasn't a good fit and why. I didn't need to explain why, it was okay just to say, "lovely person but not a right work fit for me." She can feel I'm making a mistake and not getting enough information before making a decision and that's her right - but I can feel good in following my gut just the same. I can know what's right for me.

That isn't something I've allowed myself before. If someone asked me for a favor and I didn't want to do it, I'd usually do it, and be angry about it, and then be angry at myself for being angry. If someone wanted me to work with someone I had qualms about I did it anyway - but then I complained.

Here is what I really got during my time with my grandfather - I want to complain less and celebrate more. I have been both a pleaser and a complainer and now I want to let go of both. I want to let go of tit for tat and grudges. I want to notice delightful things more and to grump over less.