Facing My Grizzly

I would really like to be on vacation this week. I would really like to be sitting in a park contemplating daisies, or staring off into some green space, preferably with some stunning mountains in the background.

I want to be on vacation physically and mentally because emotionally I'm doing my best to take on something big, really big. I'm trying to face a new layer of musty old deeply rooted fear, fear that blocks I don't know what, but I've decided I'm ready to face it, ready to do my best to look behind the curtain and view the wizard.

Two things came about to bring me to this place, this decision, one is that last week I had a dream of seeing a grizzly bear in the backyard of the house I grew up in (in the So. Cal suburbs where no grizzly has ever been). At first I thought it was cool to see a bear in the backyard, but then I realized my Dad was in the backyard, and the bear was attacking him, and there I stood with my (then) baby brother in his playpen and the next thing I knew I was scooping up my brother and opening the sliding glass door for my Dad, hoping I could let in my Dad and not the bear.

I woke as I was slamming the sliding glass door after my Dad had rushed in, and it was a race to see if the door would close fast enough or the bear's claws would reach in. Eeek. Especially for those of us who read the terribly sad Vanity Fair article on the tragic end of the famous "Grizzly Man."

But why such a dream right now, I've been wondering? Obviously the bear represents fear, but of what? Why show up now? And I realize I've been going through some transitions of late, starting up a relationship that is moving slow, and sweet, and not being labeled, but still punching my deserving buttons.

On top of which I'm trying to figure out the right work/play/downtime balance for myself, so that the headaches and fatigue are manageable and kept at a duller roar. They've reared their head of late, reminding who is boss right now if I don't follow their rules. It's a challenge, especially because I am only now beginning to emotionally own the extent to which I'm a workaholic rather than just intellectually realizing it.

The second catalyst for wanting to face my fears on a new level was an amazing blog I came upon on Havi Brooks website "The Fluent Self" which I stumbled upon via Twitter called "The Negotiator, The Monster, and the Scribe." Powerful powerful stuff. I cannot tell you how much it resonated with me, so much so that that afternoon I sat at my computer and instead of working more, I spent a good amount of time flipping through her blogs looking for her to share more of her own challenging journey. Frankly I sat and cried, and cried hard, each time I came upon a blog post that spoke to my heart, and my emotional self that has done its best but still often feels frightened and ashamed and carry far too much of a burden.

So it's time to go deeper into the dark, and air old even older closets.