This has been a tough week for those of us in So Cal who get migraines when the barometic pressure goes up and down and the wind whips up, but here we are on Friday and its breezy and cool (at least here at the Beach) and I'm so grateful that in another hour or so I'll be heading north away from my city's hosting of the very loud Grand Prix.

It feels like the perfect vacation day. I just want to sit and absorb it rather than try and organize a few more things (so see how I'm avoiding both by sitting down to write a blog, I feel less guilty than if I just sat and did nothing, but am still avoiding more organizing). I'm heading off to a weekend with my family and certainly less computer time which is a good thing. I'm really enjoying being on twitter, but I can see how easy it is to become addicted and feel like you constantly need to know what fascinating people all over the world are up to.

It was a week of even more vivid and vibrant dreams than usual, and one in particular that I'm pretty happy with - it points to progress that still needs to be made, but that nonetheless much progress has been made, and I don't want to discount this. I feel like I'm really coming into my own emotionally. It's a baby step process, and I'll never quite arrive because my true self will continue to grow and expand, but still it's such a great feeling when you most past a particular sticking point. Such a lovely, "ahhhh" feeling.

I hope everyone is going to enjoy their weekend.

That was a thought that struck me today as I got off the bus and walked across the street to borrow my brother's car for an appointment early this morning. I was pondering a section of the YA fantasy novel I'm writing, and thinking about the power of names, and how in fantasy literature (and certain religions) names have such power. Know the full name of a fairy knight and voila he's yours for the commanding (aka Tithe by Holly Black). Travel to the ends of the known world to learn the name of God and you can free your dearest friend from eternal servitude (aka Kushiel's Avatar by Jacqueline Carey) from a vengeful angel.

Perhaps it's a bit of both. Certainly the more I focus on the idea happiness, the thought of s, and what really makes me happy (versus what I've thought in the past would make me happy) the happier I am. The study and noticing of happiness when it occurs, the recognition of it, the honoring of it, brings more.

And sometimes it's just a song that brings a surprise of happiness, remind us of a perfect day at the beach, or the best childhood Christmas.

Oddly enough on my Pandora.com right now is playing a song that always makes me happy when I hear it - Mathew Sweet's "I've Been Waiting" from the "Girlfriend" album with the gorgeous Tuesday Weld on the cover (I had to look that up, I've wondered about it for years). It brings back the sweet romantic hopefulness of a certain time in my life.

Sadly the song is from was a time when I didn't realize how much I had going for me, or how young I was (I never thought I was young when I actual was young) but still it makes me happy to hear because romance is eternal, it's not just for the young, and I get now how important it is to be in the now, and accept whatever happy romantic-ness the universe wants to hand me, even if it's just a few minutes of a song.

I had absolutely nothing to complain about yesterday (except some tiny grumbling about the heat), I slept well, and yet from the moment I woke up this morning I knew I was just sort of well, off. I was filled with a sort of physical and emotional dread that overcomes me at times, a sensation close to that of when you're coming down with the flu, but not quite so physical.

At first I sat down at the computer and tried to get rid of the feeling by rushing into work, by distracting myself (know that one?), and then I stopped and decided I would move more slowly, and mindfully if I could and try and be curious. As soon as I did that I remembered that I had had to take more pain medication yesterday because of an early meeting, and the heat, and that I was on deadline for an article that I was working on with a client that I wanted to be really good because it's our first sort of this type of adventure together which was making me a bit nervous.

So I decided to be a little more kind with myself, and even more kind to my body. I ate. I stretched. I slowed down and worked on easier projects first.

At times during the day the feeling would really rear its head, to the point that I had to get up and walk around. One time it felt so strong I checked my bank account to see if I'd made some kind of horrible adding error. Nope. Then I found the beautiful photo above at my favorite stock photo site (while doing research for another client) and just posting it on my website in honor of earth day made me feel better.  Staring at it made me feel more calm and serene.

My client and I went back and forth on the article. We found a groove we both liked and were able to finish the piece. My brother really liked his birthday gift today of a little website I put together for his band, and I was able to chat briefly with a dear friend about the novel I'm working on. The feeling of dread hasn't totally left me, but I know it'll pass. Whenever I remember that feelings are waves instead of constant states I'm able to ride the rough ones out with a bit more serenity (a bit), and to just bask a bit longer in the happy ones, remembering that this too shall pass.

I am one of those people who has always had a vivid dream life. No, not a vivid daydreaming life, I'm not really good at daydreams, most likely because my dreams at night take up all that kind of energy. They are vivid, colorful and dramatic. Sometimes I have dreams within dreams. Some are realistic and some sound completely crazy once I try to describe them to someone else. For years I secretly enjoyed my dreams but felt as if I was a bit of a freak for having so many...until I accepted that a) that's just the kind of creative intuitive sort I am and b) my dreams are my own personal emotional language telling me what's really going on with my psyche. Of course others had been telling me this for years, but you know how the intellect and the emotions run on two different tracks, so there you have it.

I also have several kinds of recurring dreams that remind me of issues that are challenging for me. When I change my behavior in one of these reoccurring dreams I know I've made real progress in my waking emotional life.

One of the things I'm learning to do right now is speak up for myself in a constructive way. I've never been a total doormat, but I've lived much of my life trying to be a people pleaser, thinking that if I just worked hard enough on behalf of others I'd get an invitation to the right party, I'd be loved, accepted etc. But of course we all already have our very own special invitation to the party, it's up to us to decide what kind of party we want to attend. Love and acceptance shows up in amazing ways  when we learn to love and accept ourselves, as fluffy bunny as that sounds it's not at all easy, but it's true.

For years I dreaded dreaming of my High School boyfriend. They always signaled a sort of stress occurring in my life, something I wanted to run away from. He was pursuing me, wanting to get back together and I was frightened. No, he never abused me, but he cheated on my constantly and I would keep getting back together with him. At the time I had no idea that I was acting out my own parents rather torrid relationship. We were literally behaving as they behaved (and perhaps as his own parents were behaving, I'm not sure).

When I finally realized he didn't really represent himself so much in my dreams as an aspect of myself that I was dreaded I was able to look at what the dreams were telling me. He represented my fear of not being able to stand my own ground and speak up for myself. Over the last week I've dreamt of him again twice after years of not, and both times I told him, "no, no thank you, I'm not interested."

What is really interesting in last night's dream is that he didn't want to listen - not only that I didn't want to get back together but to why. It was a non-issue for him. My reasons didn't matter. And I realized this was a good warning to me to be really clear when I'm in situations with people where my happiness, my needs, my intentions (whether in a work, friendship, or romance) just can't be taken into account, where they just can't hear me because they are so full up with their own situations.

It was a good reminder that I can't always play ball with who I might want to, because I just don't matter in the way I need to.

And it was a good reminder to me that I can be this person at times too. I can listen but not hear. I can listen half heartedly and project what I think the person is saying rather than what they really are. I can run my own conversation in my head when I'm listening to them instead of listening to them full present. Sometimes we do this because we're bored, and sometimes we do this because we're afraid we won't have a clever enough response at the right moment. Whatever the case we're not really here.

All in all I was very heartened by this dream. I have had a terrific week, but the sort that makes my head hurt from getting wound up, so I'm doing my best to slow down this weekend and just be here now.