Touching Now Touching Magic

It's an ever unfolding process, this idea of looking at yourself and your life and your world with a "Beginner's Mind" but I've been attempting to do this with greater purpose over the last week or so and it's opened up new zones of optimism and spaciousness for me that have really been delightful to feel.

And that's where I'm hanging out as much as possible, with my feelings.

There are patterns in my life that repeat again and again and one in particular, one in regards to whom I work with and how money flows to me, is one that baffles me. No, let me clarify that - whom I work for and how money flows to me. I am very blessed, for a huge percentage of the time in who I work with. I have made so many friends this way, and feel particularly blessed in that regard right now.

Like many on a spiritual path who have encountered metaphysical thought I accepted a long time ago that my thoughts had power, that they gave me far greater choice, that they colored my world - but I also allowed this knowledge to make me feel tremendously guilty for everything challenging that crossed my path, every hardship, and every person I encountered who was less than honest and dealt with me poorly. It is easy to say to oneself that this is your own belief system mirroring itself back to you, and there is certainly truth in that, but what I'm starting to own is that middle path, that balance, and that more than one thing true at any given time.

This end idea opened up more fully for me during a conversation with my brother who is also very devoutly spiritual but following a very different path, let's say a more traditional Christian path. When I admitted recently to him that I was wondering why I kept repeating this same pattern financial challenge with those I worked for (partnered with a spirit of less than candidness about what is really happening) and that I believed it harked back to how things were when growing up he said very simply, with no judgment "well that's certainly one way to look at the world" (or something to that effect).

And then he went on to remind me that lack of candor and truthfulness and financial deception are pretty universal of the times in his past and the times in his present when he has encountered them - how shades of this way of being are always playing out. Oddly I left this conversation with greater optimism because I left it with the thought "it's not just me." Of course on the outside this is very clear to everyone else, of course we all deal with untruth, and many many of us deal with financial challenges, promises made and broken etc. But this opened up space for me because I'd been viewing it all from a place of it being my problem to solve.

What came to me later yesterday is that I want to celebrate more the things that have gone well for me rather than focusing on the idea that I have this pattern I can't seem to quite break out of. Because the truth is that while it continues to play out, things have improved. I am idealistic and perfectionistic and my guilt makes me want to constantly try to fix things even as grapple with the idea that I can't fix anyone else - I still try, I still try and spin my work so that I inspire others to change their patterns, to see a new path and this just isn't my job, most especially not with employers. The only thing I can really do is own my own truth and be open to what it unfolds for me.

So while certain thins i'm dealing with right now are a bit roller coaster-ish, I have to admit I've been on a scarier roller coaster up to this point and have survived the ride pretty nicely thank you.