Back in the 80's and 90's I was big on positive affirmations (let's be fair, weren't many of us who were interested in "New Age" thought?), the problem was that I used them not for my own happiness and well being, but mostly to obtain sales goals, first as a sales rep in international shipping and then as a partner with my ex-husband in a fine handmade gift business. Oh, and I was good at them. I usually hit my goals, but there was a definite schism within me that I did my best to ignor it. Still it dragged and nagged at me nonetheless. I also used positive affirmations in prayer for friends and family members who were ill, but while I quietly practiced and studied metaphysical Christianity for my own inner world, my outer world for the most part was that of a workaholic yuppie.<>

At the tail end of the 90's as my marriage was ending and my health challenges were starting to bring me to a standstill I tried to change and use positive affirmations for my health and financial stability and nothing much happened except that things got worse. They got very bad for a few years. Not that there weren't highlights, and I learned a heck of a lot about myself during those dark times, but my old routines just didn't work. In pain and confusion I blamed myself for not having the right attitude and for just about every other thing I could possibly be doing wrong. Surely I was thinking wrong thoughts to have brought such pain and financial challenges down on my head. I was terrified, but still little beacons of light came to my aid. I found the writing of Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hahn and many other wonderful writers. I began writing myself. I began, very slowy, in tiny increments, to meditate. It didn't ease the physical pain so much as it allowed me to stop suffering during it, making myself wrong for getting myself into such physical pain.

I realized I was thinking wrong. I was sick and I was trying to get well while carrying the world on my shoulders. And gradually I let go of much of the facade about myself that I thought made me acceptable and interesting and viable and sexy as a human being. I stopped blaming myself so much and looked around and realized that very bad things happen to good people all the time and they didn't necessarily do anything to cause it, they didn't necessarily have the wrong thoughts, and a bad attitude.

At the beginning of this year I decided to look again at two books of Deepak Chopra's, "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire" and "The Book of Secrets." I realized over the years I had a big problem with having needs. I could have goals to accomplish but not primary needs for my own well being. When I was quite young, about 19 or so, a friend of mine was taking a philosophy class at UCI and said to me one day, "We have no needs only wants." He was quoting his teacher, who was quoting someone very famous whose name I'm forgetting. Something in my very young but guilt laden consciousness said, "yep, that's right." And it stuck for a long long time. Some of it still sticks today. Perhaps you know what I'm talking about in some secret dark corner of yourself. Maybe this is a part of our consumer consciousness - we can have wants for pretty shiny things, but not simple well being.

At the beginning of this year I decided I wanted to be open to new things. I had become very attached to a creative project that I had allowed to break my heart and get my ego wound up in ways I didn't like. I wanted to keep the good memories, the wonderful people I met, and the creative team I had the privelege of creating some beautiful things with, but I wanted to be open to a new way of being and let go of my fierce fierce pride and ideas of how others should, "do things right," (which is just another way of saying MY WAY) and wanted instead to focus, quite simply, on my own happiness. I realized that whenever I got involved in ego battles of my vision vs. someone else's I also ended up carrying more than my share of the work load - often more than my body can handle well.

So I decided to look again at Deepak, who I always enjoy, and I decided this time I was actually going to do the exercises. I am someone who wants to constantly walk before I can run. I want knowledge to come in epiphanies the way reading came to me as a child. I took to it like a duck to water. I have memories of sitting next to piles of books in first grade (when we used to learn how to read back in the olden days) and saying, "nope, too easy" to book after book after book. And my teacher beamed, and my parent's were thrilled, and I felt like a queen. Not to worry, math would bring me down to earth quick a year later.

But yeah, I love to swim as I learn new things, which means I don't like to stop and do those exercises where I have to take out paper, or sit still, or take away from the moment. Oh and of course I'm lazy. But I had started to create exercises myself in my own dating and romance writing, one in particular I'm proud of, and I realized I had absolutely nothing to lose by giving a try to Deepak's suggestions. I even, gulp, wrote down the little sanskrit sayings that are a part of his "Seven Principles" in "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire" and began to chant a different one each night after I read (upon his suggestion) the intentions I'd written down for my life. In the beginning I admit my intentions were quite a bit like my old affirmations, they were very specific and there were several ones that concerned money. But as the days went by, and as I continued to read and then re-read the books (the bus is great for pondering concepts) my intentions shifted to focusing on mostly my inner happiness and well being, on allowing myself to continue healing and growing strong, on romance in a new way with someone who shared my values and beliefs (the quirky green spiritual ones, not the yuppie shiny ones), and well, basically enjoying a life I was proud to say was mine.

The shift at times was very subtle, just a shift in a thought, a feeling, but then I'd think of a new way to hone and phrase an intention in a way I liked better and I'd run home and scribble out the old intention and rewrite it. I did this again and again and again. I kept reading my intentions and kept chanting and I felt quite a bit of peace. Life wasn't perfect, but I had more and more moments of quiet joy. I met T and things were lovely. And then I decided that I should be moving faster and making more money and and and...things started to fall apart. My bladder was in constant pain. The new part time job that was to bring in so much more money felt apart almost right away, no new viable part time jobs were on the horizon. I complained constantly about my day job and felt frustrated I couldn't make things go my way, again.

I marinated in the quagmire for awhile, to the point that T and I were very very frustrated with each other, and finally I decided I needed to pull back, focus on my own thing and go back to my intentions (which I'd only been reading aloud about once a week by then if that). I honed them again. I went back to the chanting and focusing on being happy here and now. Things I'd been trying to make happen that just weren't started to fall in place again, like this site. T and I found a happier middle ground that left both of us time to pursue our own things, things that really mattered to us individually and helped us feel whole and grounded. Connections I thought I'd lost reappeared. Subjects for articles flowed more easily.

For the past two weeks I've beem trying something I've only done in my most desperate hours in prayer, and that's admitting in them that I simply don't have the answers. I don't know how to do "x" (insert your own problem/challenge/heart's desire here) but I know the universe does and I am open to being guided and I am open to staying open and trying not to cling to one idea, one solution as "it" for everything. I'm also open to the idea that an answer won't be permanent. Life is flux. It's here and here and here, it's now. And I've felt a fascinating shift of ease in my being. Oh sure, I still have worries, I'm not a saint, I don't have the answers - but I do feel I have some very good questions. And I'm open to the fact that the universe may have far more marvelous amd fascinating answers than I ever imagined possible.

Back in the 80's and 90's I was big on positive affirmations (let's be fair, weren't many of us who were interested in "New Age" thought?), the problem was that I used them not for my own happiness and well being, but mostly to obtain sales goals, first as a sales rep in international shipping and then as a partner with my ex-husband in a fine handmade gift business. Oh, and I was good at them. I usually hit my goals, but there was a definite schism within me that I did my best to ignor it. Still it dragged and nagged at me nonetheless. I also used positive affirmations in prayer for friends and family members who were ill, but while I quietly practiced and studied metaphysical Christianity for my own inner world, my outer world for the most part was that of a workaholic yuppie. At the tail end of the 90's as my marriage was ending and my health challenges were starting to bring me to a standstill I tried to change and use positive affirmations for my health and financial stability and nothing much happened except that things got worse. They got very bad for a few years. Not that there weren't highlights, and I learned a heck of a lot about myself during those dark times, but my old routines just didn't work. In pain and confusion I blamed myself for not having the right attitude and for just about every other thing I could possibly be doing wrong. Surely I was thinking wrong thoughts to have brought such pain and financial challenges down on my head. I was terrified, but still little beacons of light came to my aid. I found the writing of Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hahn and many other wonderful writers. I began writing myself. I began, very slowy, in tiny increments, to meditate. It didn't ease the physical pain so much as it allowed me to stop suffering during it, making myself wrong for getting myself into such physical pain. I realized I was thinking wrong. I was sick and I was trying to get well while carrying the world on my shoulders. And gradually I let go of much of the facade about myself that I thought made me acceptable and interesting and viable and sexy as a human being. I stopped blaming myself so much and looked around and realized that very bad things happen to good people all the time and they didn't necessarily do anything to cause it, they didn't necessarily have the wrong thoughts, and a bad attitude. At the beginning of this year I decided to look again at two books of Deepak Chopra's, "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire" and "The Book of Secrets." I realized over the years I had a big problem with having needs. I could have goals to accomplish but not primary needs for my own well being. When I was quite young, about 19 or so, a friend of mine was taking a philosophy class at UCI and said to me one day, "We have no needs only wants." He was quoting his teacher, who was quoting someone very famous whose name I'm forgetting. Something in my very young but guilt laden consciousness said, "yep, that's right." And it stuck for a long long time. Some of it still sticks today. Perhaps you know what I'm talking about in some secret dark corner of yourself. Maybe this is a part of our consumer consciousness - we can have wants for pretty shiny things, but not simple well being. At the beginning of this year I decided I wanted to be open to new things. I had become very attached to a creative project that I had allowed to break my heart and get my ego wound up in ways I didn't like. I wanted to keep the good memories, the wonderful people I met, and the creative team I had the privelege of creating some beautiful things with, but I wanted to be open to a new way of being and let go of my fierce fierce pride and ideas of how others should, "do things right," (which is just another way of saying MY WAY) and wanted instead to focus, quite simply, on my own happiness. I realized that whenever I got involved in ego battles of my vision vs. someone else's I also ended up carrying more than my share of the work load - often more than my body can handle well. So I decided to look again at Deepak, who I always enjoy, and I decided this time I was actually going to do the exercises. I am someone who wants to constantly walk before I can run. I want knowledge to come in epiphanies the way reading came to me as a child. I took to it like a duck to water. I have memories of sitting next to piles of books in first grade (when we used to learn how to read back in the olden days) and saying, "nope, too easy" to book after book after book. And my teacher beamed, and my parent's were thrilled, and I felt like a queen. Not to worry, math would bring me down to earth quick a year later. But yeah, I love to swim as I learn new things, which means I don't like to stop and do those exercises where I have to take out paper, or sit still, or take away from the moment. Oh and of course I'm lazy. But I had started to create exercises myself in my own dating and romance writing, one in particular I'm proud of, and I realized I had absolutely nothing to lose by giving a try to Deepak's suggestions. I even, gulp, wrote down the little sanskrit sayings that are a part of his "Seven Principles" in "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire" and began to chant a different one each night after I read (upon his suggestion) the intentions I'd written down for my life. In the beginning I admit my intentions were quite a bit like my old affirmations, they were very specific and there were several ones that concerned money. But as the days went by, and as I continued to read and then re-read the books (the bus is great for pondering concepts) my intentions shifted to focusing on mostly my inner happiness and well being, on allowing myself to continue healing and growing strong, on romance in a new way with someone who shared my values and beliefs (the quirky green spiritual ones, not the yuppie shiny ones), and well, basically enjoying a life I was proud to say was mine. The shift at times was very subtle, just a shift in a thought, a feeling, but then I'd think of a new way to hone and phrase an intention in a way I liked better and I'd run home and scribble out the old intention and rewrite it. I did this again and again and again. I kept reading my intentions and kept chanting and I felt quite a bit of peace. Life wasn't perfect, but I had more and more moments of quiet joy. I met T and things were lovely. And then I decided that I should be moving faster and making more money and and and...things started to fall apart. My bladder was in constant pain. The new part time job that was to bring in so much more money felt apart almost right away, no new viable part time jobs were on the horizon. I complained constantly about my day job and felt frustrated I couldn't make things go my way, again. I marinated in the quagmire for awhile, to the point that T and I were very very frustrated with each other, and finally I decided I needed to pull back, focus on my own thing and go back to my intentions (which I'd only been reading aloud about once a week by then if that). I honed them again. I went back to the chanting and focusing on being happy here and now. Things I'd been trying to make happen that just weren't started to fall in place again, like this site. T and I found a happier middle ground that left both of us time to pursue our own things, things that really mattered to us individually and helped us feel whole and grounded. Connections I thought I'd lost reappeared. Subjects for articles flowed more easily. For the past two weeks I've beem trying something I've only done in my most desperate hours in prayer, and that's admitting in them that I simply don't have the answers. I don't know how to do "x" (insert your own problem/challenge/heart's desire here) but I know the universe does and I am open to being guided and I am open to staying open and trying not to cling to one idea, one solution as "it" for everything. I'm also open to the idea that an answer won't be permanent. Life is flux. It's here and here and here, it's now. And I've felt a fascinating shift of ease in my being. Oh sure, I still have worries, I'm not a saint, I don't have the answers - but I do feel I have some very good questions. And I'm open to the fact that the universe may have far more marvelous amd fascinating answers than I ever imagined possible.

This morning I'm having fun listening to a great old time Christmas/Old Standards collection on Pandora.com including Frank Sinatra from the "Rat Pack Holiday" album, and Nat King Cole, and Bing Crosby and oh my, the sexy Julie London (according to my Dad, I only knew her from her fuzzy Emergency days), oh yes, and burning toast as I get too caught up in other things. One of the concepts I'm chewing over these days is the difference between Perfectionism and simply Wanting-to-Do-Things-Well. Where is the line between artistry and Martha Stewartness? I come from a family of female Perfectionists, not to the extreme it can go, but certainly to the point that we can make other people feel, well, inadequate. And that makes me feel bad, the fact that my wanting to do things beautifully and artfully, and yes, sometimes as perfect as possible, can make others feel a bad. We like to impress. Oh, I know deep down I can't make anyone else truly feel inadequate unless they're looking to already, and I know that all of the women in my family truly want people to enjoy themselves with the entertaining, and gifts and whatnot that we put so much effort to produce, but I'm also aware of the need for showmanship, and the longing to dazzle. Fatigue, and pain and lack of funds have done much to slow down my perfectionism and love of artistry the last several years, but it's not something that can be squashed easily, if at all. I will always find a way to have as much style (whether it's my website or my person) as I can muster, and I will always be impressed by those who do so as well. There is part of me who takes my hat off to Martha, but at the same time I want to let go of my need to feel "my way is the right way" because my efforts will probably look better than most. I want to let go of my "control freak" side as much as possible because I'm well aware I don't have the answers, just some pretty good questions. At the florist where I work my boss has pegged me as "Diane" from "Cheers" because as she puts it "I like to use big words and tell everyone what to do." I was pretty bummed with this description on the inside, but I had to laugh. It has a ring of truth to it, though thank God, I gave up on the Sam character a long time ago in a galaxy far away. But yes, I do look around at a situation and see how it could be done better, and then, even though I try not to, I tend to voice my ideas. And yes, people who want to snap their fingers at me, and choose ugly flowers, and want to be as cheap as possible annoy me, but there are moments of magic when I can pull together an arrangement that beats anything the customer was expecting and I can see it beaming in their faces. I love that. And I love that the flowers are going to someone they love - or someone they want to be able to love. I have a feeling the line between Doing-Your-Best and Perfectionism is a very very thin line, and I have a feeling the key to it all IS feeling and intention - but that it's very tough to stay on the Artistry-for-Sake-of-Artistry side because the ego always wants its say, the ego always wants to make an impression on others, to be applauded and recognized and above all, of course, important.

One of my current goals is to get a better handle on just what the heck my wild and crazy dreams are trying to tell me.  I'm having a really hard time with them right now.  It's pretty much the case of "too much information."  I often wake up feeling like I've been run over by an information truck.  I know part of this situation is dealing with chronic fatigue, for some reason chronic fatigue sufferers have very vivid dreams (which can certainly explain part of the fatigue) but I've always been a very vivid dreamer. 

I have a number of reacurring "theme" dreams, one of which is that I realize I've forgotten to feed my bird (I used to have a parakeet).  It's challenging to figure out what the bird means to my subconscious as it seems to represent a variety of things...for years, while still married and then divorced and trying to find my way I had always forgotten to feed the bird for quite some time and he was starving to death.  Oh I was so ashamed and mortified!  As I moved into writing and blogging and figuring out my own way as a single person the dreams improved, the bird would have food and water, there would be many birds happy and beatuiful, but every once in awhile they'd backslide and I've never quite been able to figure out what's going on.  Last night I dreamt that not only did I need to give the bird new food, but I'd kept him covered and he was so light deprived he'd faded.  On top of that somehow other little birds had attached themselves to him, or other birds had laid their eggs on him and the babies had hatched - but attached to them and now I knew they'd die because there was no way for them to be fed.  Their parents were long gone.  I changed the food but I was so dismayed and overwhelmed by the situation that I covered the cage again.  As I was going to walk away I noticed that there were little tiny birds who could get in and out of the bars of the cage, and one small bird was in a net.  I called to him and slipped off the net and he jumped back in the cage.

If anyone wants to take a crack at this, because I'm obviously too close, I will admit that while I am enjoying writing more than ever, and excited about my new website (www.localendeavor.squarespace.com) I continue to be frustrated and embarassed by my inability over the past six years to manifest prosperity again.  I am doing my best to be at peace with it and be open to something bigger that I'm suppose to be learning here because all of my old habits, prayers, affirmations etc. no longer work.  For the most part I'm happy, I like what I do, I love that I get paid to write too, but I am constantly just scraping by no matter why kind of thought, energy, prayers, thoughts, work etc. I put into play.  If I plan for the holidays by writing more articles that one check (just as an example), so very needed, is the first one in seven months to be late.  It is still not here! 

I do my best to give this situation up to  a Higher Authority, to God, to the Great Mystery (whatever works for you) to accept something is going on here I can't quite fathom.  I have certainly learned that people are not always poor because they're lacking education or lazy.  And I am grateful for this, to own this, and realize how tough it is for so many.  But I want to pay my bills on time!  And I know that no one here who will tell me that they have the answers via the "right" affirmations has the answer for me, I know I've got to find it myself, but some thoughts on what the heck those baby birds mean would be much appreciated.

"Insight does not always come to order, and there will certainly be no renaissance if you are merely trying to 'get' something for yourself." - Karen Armstrong from "The Spiral Staircase"

This morning I found out that I had an unexpected day off and that tomorrow morning a new refrigerator will replace my newly defunct one.  So I decided to spend the day moving around furniture that needed to be moved around, and of course, writing.  I also sent off my resume to a craig's list posting I'd been holding onto for a couple of days as I'm in need of some additional income, and bam, the response came back and it's from someone I know - not well yet, but someone I really like and wish I knew better.

I don't know about you but I'm one of those who synchronicity can send into a bit of a tizzy  because I have such an active imagination of what fabulous things that "could" be.  But after seven years of dancing forward in my life three steps and then sliding back two, again and again and again, because of situations I thought could be marvelous and instead fizzled to nothing, or were simply a short term gig to cover immediate expenses and then nothing more (no matter what they said when the carrot was first dangled), I do my best to keep a sense of equanimity.   It's hard, but I  work at it (sometimes by  moving around the furniture).

The biggest lesson I seem to be learning in this phase of my life is to not be in such a hurry to get anywhere "out there" and to instead burrow down dig deep.   As I write this it seems so, "no duh" that it's almost embarrassing to write, but I'll write it anyway because it's the truth for myself, and it's a truth that many many people I know or come in contact with who could use to this concept unwind their own unhappiness with as well.

Currently I'm not unhappy, just still perplexed at the messages the universe is sending me.  Fortunately someone is listening and my dreams have slowed down to a pace where at least I can follow the narrative, evening if I'm not yet grasping the meaning of the content, or remembering the entire complex story line. 

But yes, i've been unhappy in the past and I've both been forced to, and learned to, slow down and unwind and chill and go deeper into a more relaxed "let it be" state.  But it's hard to stay there.  I'm so programmed to want to succeed and do better (especially when things are economically dim) that "doing" is always one of my first compulsions when I get frightened.   That's why I'm so grateful for the Internet and blogging and sites like this.  I can move around the furniture and then take a break and share my thoughts online rather then taking a toothbrush and cleanser to the tile grout, or spending more and more time looking for additional part time jobs just in case.

Okay, maybe I'll still take a toothbrush to the tile grout, but just a few squares...