The other day after I read a notice online that "Mercury was in Retrograde" yet again I decided to educate myself a little about what the heck that meant. Oh sure, we all know it means things just don't go as planned - the printer jams, the check got lost in the mail, you can't seem to make it to your appointment on time, or who you were suppose to meet with can't make it on time, things get lost that were just in front of you, and so on and so forth.

On the website "Alpha Life Trends" I read:

"Mercury retrograde provides the opportunity to adjust our thoughts, attitudes and decisions about our issues and adjust our new direction as we move through 2009."

That sounded like a new way to view this phenom and very promising so I read more:

"...The best mode to be in during a Mercury retrograde is one of "non-reaction", and with air signs being impacts, things will be changing continually during a Mercury retrograde Treat the time period as a time of gathering information, yet because the information will be in constant change it would be like trying to comb your hair in a wind storm. Best to wait until the changes stop before attempting to make things orderly..."

It really makes perfect sense. So often we think we have to "do" when really we need to shift our own secret personal private feelings on how "to be." Being actually trumps Doing in the broad strokes of our lives.

I have been making some big mental emotionals shifts myself of late, really getting the concept of "letting go" in ways I just haven't before. Not letting go and thinking "oh well, my life just won't be as interesting because 'x,y,z' won't happen after all," but instead starting to get, truly get, that if I let go of an idea, a person, a job, etc. that I thought was going to be the end-all-be-all (which nothing ever is, ever, because we are always in process) with openess, with the feeling of, "okay that wasn't all I'm worth, can do, can receive" the universe brings forth new opportunities in truly astounding ways.

The universe always has more in mind that is beyond what you can even imagine right now - even if you're a very imaginative sort like I am. It's rather comforting.

As far as the "Mercury in Retrograde" thing in a practical sense, both my new business partner and I are really focusing on not over working things, not feeling that we have to take total responsibility for our client's success, or possible new client's success, that we are an integral key, we are crucial, but we can't move faster than they are willing and able, we can't drag them into our world view of the importance of public relations to success today (in really, any realm), we have to lead wisely.

I've been home since Wednesday from two weeks of hanging out and caring for my grandfather and I'm still not quite back into my own groove, and the reality has hit me that I may need to find an entire new groove now, the old one just might not be it anymore and that's okay.

For most of my life I have put "trying" to please others in front of my own goals and dreams. I write "trying" in quotes because while we can do our best to be amiable and thoughtful and caring and loving and such we really can't please others - if someone wants to be pleased or displeased by our actions, no matter our intentions, we have no control over it.

This really hit home to me while caring for my grandfather. Except for a few meals most of the things I tried to do for him fell short of his expectations, and he was quick to point it out. For breakfast I chopped up and gave him too much fresh fruit, he complained if there wasn't fresh pineapple, he let me know he hated sandwiches (which is what he has been given for lunch the majority of his life), he complained if it took me longer than I said to run errands or get home from work - but on the other hand he seemed miffed if I came home early.

I knew going in it was going to be a challenge, but I just didn't realize the extent of the negativity he'd focus on me and how it would effect me. No matter how much I tried not to take it personally it began to drive me crazy. If I stood up for myself and kindly but firmly asked if we "could try and be nicer to each other" and we had words he'd improve his behavior for a few hours, but the next morning he'd be reset back to his old grumpy setting. Things got worse when he fell out of bed in the middle of the night, or had some sort of accident that needed a calm head and well, the clean up crew. It's not easy to help someone who feels you're an idiot.

The strangest was to watch him act charming and happy in front of other people. At the end of my time there I could barely stand to look at him. The consoling fact was that I knew if it had been my brother or sister or cousins they would have been treated poorly as well - anyone he saw as their job to serve him who isn't my mom.

And so it goes. I'm home and grateful. And I'm relishing the fact that I'm learning how to use the word and concept of "no" more readily and quickly and firmly. I am happy that as angry as I got at my grandfather I didn't yell, or scream, and I did a fairly good job of keeping the focus on being nice.

When I came home a friend wanted me to speak to her friend about marketing and p.r. and was miffed when I said I wasn't a good fit and why. I didn't need to explain why, it was okay just to say, "lovely person but not a right work fit for me." She can feel I'm making a mistake and not getting enough information before making a decision and that's her right - but I can feel good in following my gut just the same. I can know what's right for me.

That isn't something I've allowed myself before. If someone asked me for a favor and I didn't want to do it, I'd usually do it, and be angry about it, and then be angry at myself for being angry. If someone wanted me to work with someone I had qualms about I did it anyway - but then I complained.

Here is what I really got during my time with my grandfather - I want to complain less and celebrate more. I have been both a pleaser and a complainer and now I want to let go of both. I want to let go of tit for tat and grudges. I want to notice delightful things more and to grump over less.

I'd like to be more clear about the difference between doing something because it's the right thing for me to do vs. wanting gold stars and affirmation from others - on how it feels to do something just for myself because I feel the need to do it.

I'm getting much clearer but the longing to be acknowledged by others for doing something kind, thoughtful, smart etc. runs deep with me. I have always wanted to earn the gold stars.

Another thing I'm facing honestly is that there's a paradox, when I do receive accolades from others I often have a hard time accepting them with grace. I'm getting better, but I recognize that accepting kind words and appreciation in real time, in person, or on the phone, is much harder for me than receiving something in writing.

I am on a journey to write a book, my very first book. I have been published in portions of another book, in print and online, but I have never completed and published my own book. And it's one of those things in life I really really want to accomplish, just for me. Oh sure, I'd love it to be a best seller. I'd love to finish the first book and have the publisher like it so much I receive an advance for the second one. That is the dream. So that I could go off to Europe and do deeper research on someplace other than the Internet.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Right now I'm on the journey of daily writing the book. Of daily thinking about the book. Of daily wondering about the book. And it's quite a journey, one that I'm only a quarter of the way or so into.

I have had a big struggle from adolescence onward to really show up for myself, to follow my own bliss, my own creative drum. I so love the collaborative process that instead I would usually jump on someone else's creative process in order to be included, in order to participate, feeling that I could earn my way in to being worthy by hard work and good feedback. This would be my trick with romantic relationships as well. And I'm sure you've already guessed, it didn't work out so well.

Oh yes, I did end up enjoying the creative collaborative process quite a bit, but it wasn't truly mine - so I had to constantly fight for the space to have a say, and frankly, I often pushed those who simply weren't ready to go where I knew they could go. Because I had the vision, because I knew how to get there. And in the end, though much good was done, it always ended badly. Because it wasn't really mine, and I knew that in my gut.

It's not that I haven't had my own creative projects all along, but my dedication to following my own creative drummer waxed and waned. I was not consistent. I kept thinking someone else's project was so much more legit than mine, so much more important, so in need of supporting first. I couldn't follow my own dreams first because I felt I hadn't been given a permission slip from God. That's my phrase for it that I've used for a long time.

But God doesn't send down a white photo copied form that you remember from school, he/she sends the yearning, the longing, the ideas, and when you pick up the pen and begin the journey support comes. Now I have thrown down the gauntlet to myself, the challenge - do your own thing, write your own book. Give it a total go, see what you can do.

And a fascinating thing happened, something that blew a big hole in the wall of my fear and resistance - two friends from my past have shown up and are showing support. One is my best friend from grammar school and she found me via the Internet about a year and a half ago, the other is my best friend from High School who found me via facebook about a month ago. Both have always supported the idea of me as a writer - and both love the genre I'm writing in - young adult fantasy (focused on girls).

Much of the book is plotted out, I'm now working on second drafts of the first six chapters (1 & 2 are done). It's moving, it's going, but it's still a challenging journey. There is a hole in the wall, but now I can see just how far I've got to go and it's daunting - like LOTR at the end, where it feels like Frodo and Sam will never get there. But they do. And now I just have to keep remembering that it will only happen one paragraph at a time, one page at a time, one chapter at a time and not get ahead of myself and full of worry that it won't be enough when I finally reach the end. The doing needs to be enough in itself.

I would really like to be on vacation this week. I would really like to be sitting in a park contemplating daisies, or staring off into some green space, preferably with some stunning mountains in the background.

I want to be on vacation physically and mentally because emotionally I'm doing my best to take on something big, really big. I'm trying to face a new layer of musty old deeply rooted fear, fear that blocks I don't know what, but I've decided I'm ready to face it, ready to do my best to look behind the curtain and view the wizard.

Two things came about to bring me to this place, this decision, one is that last week I had a dream of seeing a grizzly bear in the backyard of the house I grew up in (in the So. Cal suburbs where no grizzly has ever been). At first I thought it was cool to see a bear in the backyard, but then I realized my Dad was in the backyard, and the bear was attacking him, and there I stood with my (then) baby brother in his playpen and the next thing I knew I was scooping up my brother and opening the sliding glass door for my Dad, hoping I could let in my Dad and not the bear.

I woke as I was slamming the sliding glass door after my Dad had rushed in, and it was a race to see if the door would close fast enough or the bear's claws would reach in. Eeek. Especially for those of us who read the terribly sad Vanity Fair article on the tragic end of the famous "Grizzly Man."

But why such a dream right now, I've been wondering? Obviously the bear represents fear, but of what? Why show up now? And I realize I've been going through some transitions of late, starting up a relationship that is moving slow, and sweet, and not being labeled, but still punching my deserving buttons.

On top of which I'm trying to figure out the right work/play/downtime balance for myself, so that the headaches and fatigue are manageable and kept at a duller roar. They've reared their head of late, reminding who is boss right now if I don't follow their rules. It's a challenge, especially because I am only now beginning to emotionally own the extent to which I'm a workaholic rather than just intellectually realizing it.

The second catalyst for wanting to face my fears on a new level was an amazing blog I came upon on Havi Brooks website "The Fluent Self" which I stumbled upon via Twitter called "The Negotiator, The Monster, and the Scribe." Powerful powerful stuff. I cannot tell you how much it resonated with me, so much so that that afternoon I sat at my computer and instead of working more, I spent a good amount of time flipping through her blogs looking for her to share more of her own challenging journey. Frankly I sat and cried, and cried hard, each time I came upon a blog post that spoke to my heart, and my emotional self that has done its best but still often feels frightened and ashamed and carry far too much of a burden.

So it's time to go deeper into the dark, and air old even older closets.

I am moving very slow today after a great week, a busy week, a week where I moved into a new place as far as my public relations work goes, but whenever I reach some new goal I've asked for, and worked hard for, and set my intentions for, I like to take time now to absorb it, chew it over and let it settle. I didn't use to do that and well, I would always pay. Sooner or later a backlash would come because my intellect loves to speed ahead of what my body and my emotions can gracefully handle.

And actually, I didn't listen to my better self this week, and after my very big Friday I set up a very big Saturday and had to cancel two of things I had set up because there just wasn't time or energy for me to handle them with any grace. So I stand corrected and today I'm not leaving the house, and I'm going to eats lots of delicious spicy lemony pasta with fresh greens and tomatoes.

The universe is presenting the most fascinating mirrors right now, mirrors that I am able to see the good and the lightness in. Mirrors that could give themselves a very big break because of their innate wonderfulness and I am doing my best to say to back to the universe, "okay yes, thank you I hear you."

Yesterday I had the joy of spending time with my best friend from High School who is so beautiful and vibrant and smart and engaging. And I spent time last week, and will do so again at the end of this week, with a man who is so like me in how our operating systems function (how our brains spin so fast and our body's are so sensitive) that it makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

In both cases I'm doing my best to be open to the happiness possible. To reawaken, or flex anew the muscles that will allow that to come about, to unfold easily in perfect time. I'm so curious, how can we help each other see the possibility of fun and joy? How can we help each other to be totally okay with who we are? I feel it will happen...

I am one of those people who has always had a vivid dream life. No, not a vivid daydreaming life, I'm not really good at daydreams, most likely because my dreams at night take up all that kind of energy. They are vivid, colorful and dramatic. Sometimes I have dreams within dreams. Some are realistic and some sound completely crazy once I try to describe them to someone else. For years I secretly enjoyed my dreams but felt as if I was a bit of a freak for having so many...until I accepted that a) that's just the kind of creative intuitive sort I am and b) my dreams are my own personal emotional language telling me what's really going on with my psyche. Of course others had been telling me this for years, but you know how the intellect and the emotions run on two different tracks, so there you have it.

I also have several kinds of recurring dreams that remind me of issues that are challenging for me. When I change my behavior in one of these reoccurring dreams I know I've made real progress in my waking emotional life.

One of the things I'm learning to do right now is speak up for myself in a constructive way. I've never been a total doormat, but I've lived much of my life trying to be a people pleaser, thinking that if I just worked hard enough on behalf of others I'd get an invitation to the right party, I'd be loved, accepted etc. But of course we all already have our very own special invitation to the party, it's up to us to decide what kind of party we want to attend. Love and acceptance shows up in amazing ways  when we learn to love and accept ourselves, as fluffy bunny as that sounds it's not at all easy, but it's true.

For years I dreaded dreaming of my High School boyfriend. They always signaled a sort of stress occurring in my life, something I wanted to run away from. He was pursuing me, wanting to get back together and I was frightened. No, he never abused me, but he cheated on my constantly and I would keep getting back together with him. At the time I had no idea that I was acting out my own parents rather torrid relationship. We were literally behaving as they behaved (and perhaps as his own parents were behaving, I'm not sure).

When I finally realized he didn't really represent himself so much in my dreams as an aspect of myself that I was dreaded I was able to look at what the dreams were telling me. He represented my fear of not being able to stand my own ground and speak up for myself. Over the last week I've dreamt of him again twice after years of not, and both times I told him, "no, no thank you, I'm not interested."

What is really interesting in last night's dream is that he didn't want to listen - not only that I didn't want to get back together but to why. It was a non-issue for him. My reasons didn't matter. And I realized this was a good warning to me to be really clear when I'm in situations with people where my happiness, my needs, my intentions (whether in a work, friendship, or romance) just can't be taken into account, where they just can't hear me because they are so full up with their own situations.

It was a good reminder that I can't always play ball with who I might want to, because I just don't matter in the way I need to.

And it was a good reminder to me that I can be this person at times too. I can listen but not hear. I can listen half heartedly and project what I think the person is saying rather than what they really are. I can run my own conversation in my head when I'm listening to them instead of listening to them full present. Sometimes we do this because we're bored, and sometimes we do this because we're afraid we won't have a clever enough response at the right moment. Whatever the case we're not really here.

All in all I was very heartened by this dream. I have had a terrific week, but the sort that makes my head hurt from getting wound up, so I'm doing my best to slow down this weekend and just be here now.

I had absolutely nothing to complain about yesterday (except some tiny grumbling about the heat), I slept well, and yet from the moment I woke up this morning I knew I was just sort of well, off. I was filled with a sort of physical and emotional dread that overcomes me at times, a sensation close to that of when you're coming down with the flu, but not quite so physical.

At first I sat down at the computer and tried to get rid of the feeling by rushing into work, by distracting myself (know that one?), and then I stopped and decided I would move more slowly, and mindfully if I could and try and be curious. As soon as I did that I remembered that I had had to take more pain medication yesterday because of an early meeting, and the heat, and that I was on deadline for an article that I was working on with a client that I wanted to be really good because it's our first sort of this type of adventure together which was making me a bit nervous.

So I decided to be a little more kind with myself, and even more kind to my body. I ate. I stretched. I slowed down and worked on easier projects first.

At times during the day the feeling would really rear its head, to the point that I had to get up and walk around. One time it felt so strong I checked my bank account to see if I'd made some kind of horrible adding error. Nope. Then I found the beautiful photo above at my favorite stock photo site (while doing research for another client) and just posting it on my website in honor of earth day made me feel better.  Staring at it made me feel more calm and serene.

My client and I went back and forth on the article. We found a groove we both liked and were able to finish the piece. My brother really liked his birthday gift today of a little website I put together for his band, and I was able to chat briefly with a dear friend about the novel I'm working on. The feeling of dread hasn't totally left me, but I know it'll pass. Whenever I remember that feelings are waves instead of constant states I'm able to ride the rough ones out with a bit more serenity (a bit), and to just bask a bit longer in the happy ones, remembering that this too shall pass.

That was a thought that struck me today as I got off the bus and walked across the street to borrow my brother's car for an appointment early this morning. I was pondering a section of the YA fantasy novel I'm writing, and thinking about the power of names, and how in fantasy literature (and certain religions) names have such power. Know the full name of a fairy knight and voila he's yours for the commanding (aka Tithe by Holly Black). Travel to the ends of the known world to learn the name of God and you can free your dearest friend from eternal servitude (aka Kushiel's Avatar by Jacqueline Carey) from a vengeful angel.

Perhaps it's a bit of both. Certainly the more I focus on the idea happiness, the thought of s, and what really makes me happy (versus what I've thought in the past would make me happy) the happier I am. The study and noticing of happiness when it occurs, the recognition of it, the honoring of it, brings more.

And sometimes it's just a song that brings a surprise of happiness, remind us of a perfect day at the beach, or the best childhood Christmas.

Oddly enough on my Pandora.com right now is playing a song that always makes me happy when I hear it - Mathew Sweet's "I've Been Waiting" from the "Girlfriend" album with the gorgeous Tuesday Weld on the cover (I had to look that up, I've wondered about it for years). It brings back the sweet romantic hopefulness of a certain time in my life.

Sadly the song is from was a time when I didn't realize how much I had going for me, or how young I was (I never thought I was young when I actual was young) but still it makes me happy to hear because romance is eternal, it's not just for the young, and I get now how important it is to be in the now, and accept whatever happy romantic-ness the universe wants to hand me, even if it's just a few minutes of a song.

This has been a tough week for those of us in So Cal who get migraines when the barometic pressure goes up and down and the wind whips up, but here we are on Friday and its breezy and cool (at least here at the Beach) and I'm so grateful that in another hour or so I'll be heading north away from my city's hosting of the very loud Grand Prix.

It feels like the perfect vacation day. I just want to sit and absorb it rather than try and organize a few more things (so see how I'm avoiding both by sitting down to write a blog, I feel less guilty than if I just sat and did nothing, but am still avoiding more organizing). I'm heading off to a weekend with my family and certainly less computer time which is a good thing. I'm really enjoying being on twitter, but I can see how easy it is to become addicted and feel like you constantly need to know what fascinating people all over the world are up to.

It was a week of even more vivid and vibrant dreams than usual, and one in particular that I'm pretty happy with - it points to progress that still needs to be made, but that nonetheless much progress has been made, and I don't want to discount this. I feel like I'm really coming into my own emotionally. It's a baby step process, and I'll never quite arrive because my true self will continue to grow and expand, but still it's such a great feeling when you most past a particular sticking point. Such a lovely, "ahhhh" feeling.

I hope everyone is going to enjoy their weekend.